I refuse to mention names, because it shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.

I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you. Could it be more simple? You’ve put me through so much both emotionally and mentally, and now just like that you’re casting me out?

Let me take as far back as to the day you and I first saw each other. Baby, can you remember that far back? October, 2006? Its coming on 3 years now. Can you believe how time has flown? I can still remember your white dress shirt, paired with your black skinny jeans that fit you so perfectly. I still remember the strong scent of joop and your black studded belt. The thing I can’t forget are those eyes of yours, that seemed to be brighter as they sat and stared.

Do you remember me? Pink top, blonde hair, still a little girl? No, you wouldn’t, of course you wouldn’t. Its become obvious recently that I have had little impact on your life, or have you just been blinded?

Darling, don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t need your judgement because I’m already living in my own personal nightmare. But it’s been since the very first day that I’ve been so in love with you.

I’ll choke on my words, and put my neck on the line just for you to understand.

Do you remember the very first date?! The proper date. The movie? Do you remember exactly what park bench we sat on for hours? Do you remember holding me? Your hands around my waist? Do you remember the kiss? My first kiss. It was with you, and I have never forgotten the taste. Is it clear to you or just a blur. Do you remember what I was wearing? I’m picturing you now.

So far away and yet my hearts still beating faster! It’s hard to imagine how this could become such a disaster.

The way things are now? Am I to blame myself? You wanted more, you wanted me, & thinking back I wanted you too. I was young, and foolish and I said to myself then “kyl, you’re gonna regret this” but my brain over took my heart, and it’s about there where it all fell apart.

You played me. Do you remember that?! You changed your mind from her to me and this to that. May I remind you I was the only one who never faltered. May I remind you or inform you, about the things they all said?! If I could tell you how she called you gay, a player, a liar, a cheat. If you knew what I knew would things be the same. I stood by you. No mattered what was heard or said my feelings never slipped away, as for hers there’s not much left to say.

Let’s forget about then and talk about now. Sugar, it’s been a while but there’s one more day I can’t forget and that was the beach, have you forgotten yet? Or is pushed to the back of your mind, so far away it’s not coming back?I’ll jog your memory shall I? Bare skin to bare skin, under the water you were warm, your hands again around my waist, the waves, the hugs, the relaxing feeling of just being comfortable. Do you remember? I hope you do. It’s something I’ll never forget.

It was perfect and you were with her, you were hers but for that day you were mine. Faces drew closer, but not a single kiss. We knew better. You tell me of how you wanted to kiss me. Was it true or just false hope on my part?

She came back, from her time away. It was then that things changed. You tore me clear of the bone, leaving me depressed and alone. And for what?! You cut me out for her. Explain to me what the fuck best friends means to you! Because I don’t think you understand.

She uses you. She parades you around like one of those little dogs people carry on their handbags. I’ve heard of trophy wives, but never trophy husbands/boyfriends. It’s absolutely pathetic. You’re an adult. You don’t take direction from your parents anymore but you’ll gladly take it from her.

Can you define love? Can you honestly sit back and tell me that the way she treats you is the way a person treats the one they “love”. Wow I’ve got you thinking about things now don’t I baby? Your really starting to wonder if I’m right? You’ve gotta admit, I’m making sense.

I’ve told you all this before. You never listen. I waste my breath everytime, but that’s fine. I’d use my final breath on you, then would you listen?

Thinking now about you and her as a whole. Do you believe you’re being true to yourself in your relationship? You lie to her, about who you’re with. Have you ever considered that being with her is one huge fucking lie. You’re lying to yourself when you dismiss it.

Have you defined best friends yet? Have you thought of a legit answer, a plausable explanation? If I were to define it myself, I wouldn’t need a dictionary. If I close my eyes for long enough, your there. My best friend. And honestly, when people say falling in love with your best friend only leads to heartbreak and pain I wonder what they mean?

Your lover should be your best friend. You should be able to tell them everything and share with them everything. Oh boy you’ve seen more of me then I care to think about. You know more about me, than I know about myself. Well, at least….you did. All that has changed now. I suppose you could say she is now your best friend. Is that why you’ve thrown me overboard? Have I been replaced? Do you even still think of me sometimes? All I think about is how to make you think of me. I wonder if you already are.

You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. I often wondered why when people are in like/love they think about their significant other before and after sleeping, then I realized. Our thoughts become our dreams and nightmares, and usually thing single subject that has been pondered the most in any one day will be revealed in dreams with hidden messages, symbolism and so forth.

Dreams become a reality. When you’re deep in sleep, you are in a state of unconciousness and yet you are fully aware. Sometimes you begin to believe your dreams, and when you wake up its all a disappointment to realize nothing was real.

Love, you’re far from a disappointment. You’re my biggest regret. I regret not snatching you up when I had the chance. I look back on my relationships since then, and I know why they failed. No other man or boy is you. And you is all I want.

I’m sure, until I am given another chance to call you mine there will many other boys in my life, but just know no one will ever be you. I have no doubt I will spend my entire life searching for him, when in reality I found him.

“One day you’ll wake up and realize I’m all you’ve ever wanted, and by that time I’ll be waking up next to the person who already did,”

^That quote works both ways^

If you’re going to ignore me I’ll wander into the shadows, but when she turns your world to darkness, just know I’ve got your sunshine on hold to brighten up your day!

I’ll leave you with these last words

I love you, and I always will. Never forget that.

ihateyouiloveyou

Anyway, been thinking about career choices lately and I’ve decided in 2011 I want to go to SAE for audio engineering. Basically it is the 2 things I love, technology & music. But I’m slightly misguided. To be honest I don’t know where skating is going at the moment. My coach is ALWAYS away, and I’m struggling like a bitch to motivate myself. I sat down with my thoughts the other day, and considered maybe letting skating go, competitively and perhaps making it more of a hobby. But I love it way too much, and when I think about it, it seems hard to let go.

If I were to give up skating, we’d move back to Perth, Western Australia and quite frankly I want to. I miss Perth so much, but I think if I left Brisbane I’d miss it too! So you see I’m torn. SAE is all around the world. I quite like the idea of going to Europe to study, but I’d miss Australia.

Growing up is way too hard and confusing. If no one is willing to give me a yellow brick road, I’d really like to turn back time to when I was 3. When the only thing that mattered was when you could only find 1 Barbie shoe.

-kyljadeee.Ox

New year- promised myself 2009 would change and looking back, in some ways it did.

We are nearing the end of another year and reflecting back I’ve noticed just how much I have grown. I have indeed become a young adult. I kept to my new years resolution promising that things would change. I went to many many fantastic shows this past year, spent a few fantastic weekends with my best friend, entered into a fantastic relationship with a great guy- unfortunately ending recently (my choice) I have become more and more mature, working 3 jobs, paying loans, paying for fuel, supporting myself etc.

Yesterday, I enrolled to vote. I’m so naive for these things though. The government has been sending me forms since my 17th birthday and I have been ignoring them because frankly politics bore me and I don’t particularly want to vote. That is until my father informed that it is illegal not to vote, there goes my political diversion. I suppose this means I have to start understanding political events and so on? I tried to watch sky news when they were going on about some political event and they lost me at “Hello and welcome to sky news”, guess I’m not cut out for political affairs!

This summer has been the peak of my 2009 News years resolution. I have spent majority of the days out and/or doing things and to be quite honest I couldn’t be happier. Kevin Finn, is my main source of happiness at this moment in time. It is only recently we have become so close, but never before have I managed to spend consecutive days with a person without getting bored/ or annoyed. He is like the big brother I never had, and I love him very much! I’ll always be there for you bub!

Also I recently enrolled to do certificate III&IV in fitness over these holidays (possibly cutting into the school term) and am also completing my level 1 sports specific coaching degree for figure skating. This is a HUGE step for me, with these two qualifications under my belt, hopefully I’ll be able to get out of my dead-end jobs )check out chick, and medical receptionist) and make some real money ($60-70 p/hour) doing something I love.

Concluding, its safe to assume that things are slowly falling into place. I mean sure there could be improvements but I don’t want to anger the gods, that have been so kind to me recently.

I’m still searching for him. My love life is non-existent. I was thinking perhaps I may be being too fussy? But then I thought its my happiness and if I’m not fussy then there is no point. I think its me? Perhaps, I am meant to be alone. At least for now. There are so many things I want to do in life, and so perhaps I can not expect more than what I have. But by some divine miracle, it would be great to have a him to share it with.

-kyljadeee.OX

So anyway, basically the reason this post is titled “Mission” is because I was at work on Sunday and it was like 20 minutes until closing. And usually by this time, I am in a horrible mood, and I just want all the customers out so I can go home. Well 2 boys came into the shop, and I only looked at one because he was at my eye level (short?!) the other one ventured down the aisles and came back with 2 or 3 products totally $2.97. So I put it through the registers, not lifting my head, until I told him the total. When I looked up OMG my heart dropped, literally. Love at first sight is so true. He looked just like Ahren, perhaps even better, and his smile was amazing AND HE WINKED AT ME!!. He was everything I wanted in a boy, image -wise and all I can say is WOW. It is now my mission to find this boy, and make him mine. If I were rich I’d write a movie about it, but I’m not so I cant because it’d never get published, although I could write a book? Wow thats a good idea, I think I will.

Fingers crossed he comes back into work this week!

Dear Boy,

I WILL MARRY YOU!

Anyway, keep an eye out for posts about my book! I am seriously going to do this. I like writing fiction. Help me decide, happy ending or sad ending?

peace Ox

I was straight edge for just over 2 years, and technically you’re not REAL straight edge til you’re 18 (the legal age you can drink in Australia) but for me, that is what I was. Late October this year I have no clue what triggered it but i sat back and asked myself “why I was straight edge”. Its a common question people ask you, and it used to be easy to answer, but I was having trouble defining myself. My conclusion? Straight edge was a wall I’d built to shut myself off from people. I want nothing more than to please, be recognised for good, and simply be complimented, and straight edge seemed to be admired by my superiors (aka, parents, family, teachers, adults in general) not only that it made me stand out. I was not conforming to regular teenage misfit behaviour, I was a part of something pure and wholesome.

Now, in all honesty I didn’t break edge in a dishonorable fashion, in no way have a broken any of the guidelines. I have not consumed Alcohol, I have not taken drugs & I have not had a cigarette. However my choice to drop/break/sell out of edge was purely on a self discovering basis. I made my decision, to give me chance to move, and grown and live.

I may or may not consume small to copious amounts of alcohol in my future (however, i doubt i’ll ever smoke or do drugs) but in all honesty I am coming to terms with the fact that I sheltered myself in my childhood and I refuse to do the same now.

I will live DGAF’in it. With no regrets, and not safety blankets. Why? Because I’d risk anything for happiness.

Check them!

http://raychicakes.wordpress.com

http://kevinnotfinn.wordpress.com

But in the process, you should still check mine!

I have a strange feeling I’m talking to myself??

peace Ox.

-Bayside

When everything you need is everything you want. And everything you want is out of reach. 
With so many words to say to you and everyone else, I’m stuck. I’m speechless. I bite my tongue until it bleeds, and I’ll hold on a little longer. Because sooner or later my regret will sink in, and everything that went unsaid will come pouring out of my mouth, just like the past. By then it will all be too late, and I will forget how to breathe, and I will be left alone, again.

Formal was Amazing

I’ve written so many songs, that end up forgotten. I lack the capability to stick. I’m like teflon. I go through phases, which I never see through. I want security. 

I’d say through it all, my life is perfect. There is simply one thing missing -lessthanthree-

Killed my chances at JGP 2007.